My employer’s seasons have begun. it’s like the beginning of school. summer is over. work is here and i’m addicted to having it and feel trapped at the same time.

i am starting to feel regrets about my life. i used to be someone who always learned from every situation good or bad. i learned and moved forward.  and now i’m at the point where i’ve made nothing can be done with need to perform i’m done i left it behind 6 years ago or so, when my mom didn’t like a certain show i did and the under developed little girl inside of me decided to quit. the same way i quit dance.  my mother looked at me in a way i will never forget and some part of me was poisoned and the getting raped made me turn my life around on a dime.  i’m really good at starting again. i jump in with both feet. and here i am neck deep in being a stagehand.  i’m good at it i guess.  all i did was try and i’m on every one’s short list or shit list.  i’m married almost three years now. feeling like i’m at the start of the journey and circling the drain all at the same time.  since we’ve been together i’ve felt that i’m not good at being a partner or a spouse or whatever. and that i thrived much better as a single entity, but he’s so good and i’m so lucky to have him and was able to get married before i was thirty. i should feel blessed right? i have a great husband and he has a wonderful family and they are very compatible with my own family. my parents who want to move to where i have set up this fantastic life.  part of me loves this whole this and wants to have a baby tomorrow, and then in the same breathe i want to move to a new place or travel to india and ireland and italy. i’m afraid that if i become a mother that i will pass on resentment to my children.  i feel that i may be too selfish to be a mother or a wife or a daughter. i’ve lived far away from my family and we don’t know each other anymore. i feel that i’ve sentenced myself because i can’t seem to find myself in my marriage.  and if i can’t seem to thrive in this how will i be able to encourage life to someone else.  i listened to my mother and at times wish i hadn’t. i put so much stock in her opinion that i now have regret but i don’t blame her. it’s only in reflection that i realize this. yes i don’t have debt but i also don’t have a degree.  i love her so very much and my dad they have helped me to become who i am as well as all the influences and experiences that have shaped me. i just feel weak in my constitution.  that the strength of the girl i was has atrophied, and when i’m reminded of who i was i don’t know how i got here accept that i put my head in the sand or i jumped in with both feet into something that i thought i needed to do, and my work-a-holic tendencies allow me to not deal with where i’m going. i don’t know what to do. i’m loved and can feed myself and have a roof over my head. i am blessed.  i just don’t know whose life i’m living.

I’m thinking of ways to undo what i have done.  i think about the future.  i look at my friends who have left their relationships either by choice or by force and they’re starting new. they’re raw but fresh and new. and i’m envious. i am unsure of everything.     there are thoughts i don’t allow myself to have and even if i do i don’t tell anyone. i’m the one in the “successful relationship” i don’t want to be!! the pressure of not letting down the world, as it seems, sucks! i can’t finish this thought right now.

inspiration comes from everywhere or no where. i sit and think of moving and go no where. contemplating what is, what could have been, and why it all rang out the way it has. i have always stood with identity and now feel as if i have none. 32 years old and at 22 i felt more accomplished than i do now, and no matter what gets pointed out i feel as if i have regressed, lost intelligence. i am a lump and that is what i resemble. i was bold and sure without regret. and now i feel half dead at 32.  no time to try.

i think about starting a family and it’s beautiful and exciting and the end of one thing into the beginging of something else. something unselfish and wise. teaching thoughtfulness and love and the need to learn. the joy of movement. i have trouble finding those things for myself. let alone finding that for someone else.  today is just a thursday.